Can We Dream Of A Better Diet Soda?
In the battle between Diet Coke and way too many newcomers, has a better low-calorie soda emerged?
I hate diets. I love Diet Coke. I hate invisible (gendered??) pressure to consume less. I love Diet Coke. I hate huge mega corps, especially when they sell a product that is objectively bad for its consumers. I love Diet Coke.
How did Diet Coke get such a chokehold on us? By “us,” I don’t just mean Gen-Z queer women like myself or some other niche-but-loyal audience, I mean literally everyone. Coworkers, friends, “politicians,” moms, mommies & others swear by it—even my college thesis advisor kept a 2 liter bottle in her office at all times.
Successful advertising often means catering to a specific audience, but for Diet Coke, it means world domination. Soda consumption is trending upward in developing countries, and despite our growing awareness of its sugary health damages, highly sweetened beverages are becoming more and more available across the world. This manufactured contradiction is precisely the problem that Coca-Cola portends to solve with Diet Coke, keeping everything neatly in house in the number one soda brand worldwide. The problem is, it’s not much better for you than regular Coke. Yet somehow we all found a way to love it anyway.
I love Diet Coke. I love its bittersweet taste. I love its caffeine content. I love its nostalgic branding. But I want to take a step back. If we’re being honest with ourselves, it a good product?
It’s neither light nor indulgent. It’s not exactly guilt-free. It tastes… weird. It’s an acquired taste like dry wine, anchovies, or cigarettes. Not to mention the fact that its sweeteners literally have a warning label on the can because of their negative health effects. (It’s not that it really matters that it isn’t “healthy,” but I suspect that the reason it’s so popular is because of the health stigma around full-sugar sodas. Diet Coke is just a tad hypocritical in that respect.) I’m even gonna go out on a limb here and say that Diet Coke might even be cheugy at this point. People are enjoying Spindrift lately! It seems like there’s a real gap in the market here for someone to make a soda that isn’t a shitty bizzaro version of a Coke but has the same allure of being a fun little beverage! Why do none of Diet Coke’s competitors stand a chance to actually out-compete it, even though in theory many of them offer a better drink?
Diet Coke and other lookalikes (Diet Pepsi, Diet Sprite) are not the only competitors in the “low-calorie soda” market. But I don’t know if there are any real contenders that don’t come from within the enormous house of the Coca Cola Company or PepsiCo. Like, do we really think that Poppi is going to become the next big thing? Will any diet soda ever reach the universality of Diet Coke? Is it wrong to dream?
There are sodas that are 30 calories out there that don’t have aspartame, phenylalanine, erythritol, or other sweetners that are detrimental to your health. I could probably make one at home with like, lemon and cranberry juice. But I DON’T WANT TO. And I’m not alone.
We are looking at an EXPLOSION of SODA here. I love it because I feel genuinely unique for picking up a can of something like “cloud water.” Like, is anyone actually drinking this? Or is this can a shout into the oversaturated void? Drinking these things feels bittersweet. Lonely, but also a private pleasure.
Diet Coke is reliable, I know, but somewhere among the fluff, I have to believe there’s a drink that tastes just as good and will kill me way slower.
Although I think we all seek a drink that won’t slowly embalm us from the inside, I realize that some of you may not want to spend $4.99 on a weird soda that you might not even like. So I picked some of my favorites for you.
#1: Guayakí Yerba Mate
I have no fucking idea how they keep these shits so low calorie because they taste AMAZING. The sodas are wonderful but the “Bluephoria” flavor is flat, and tastes like the delicious juice of a fruit that’s about to make it big.
#2: Sound Sparkling Tea
An utter banger. I love tea already, and thought sparkling tea might not work. I was wrong! Everything I love about tea was preserved, but the fizziness allowed for a little extra kick and helped introduce the grapefruit flavor here. It was pretty mild, but because I already drink tea without sweeteners I didn’t feel like it was lacking at all!
#3: Sanzo
Haven’t had a flavor I don’t enjoy! If La Croix is like the name of a fruit was shouted in the other room, Sanzo is like is you’re having a polite conversation with the fruit. It’s still pretty subtle, but definitely there and welcome. I like that it’s flavored, but understated. And the Asian-inspired flavors this company features are unique and fun! It makes the drink seem playful and treat-like, plus the company itself is Asian-owned and seems like it has a great mission.
Honorable mentions:
Worst new-wave soda award: Celsius— This is evil Diet Coke. It literally has 200mg of caffiene in it and tastes like licking of the bottom of a car. They’re already getting a class-action lawsuit against them because they didn’t correctly label their ingredient list. It’s an appetite suppressant but also a pre-workout… make it make sense!
Most normie award: Poppi— This one seems actually popular, but I haven’t found a flavor that I could see myself integrating into my routine quite yet. It’s a little strong for me! But points for standing out as a “pre-biotic” soda, whatever that means. (Also, I’m just saying, they preach the chronic health curative powers of apple cider vinegar, so, red flag.)
Funniest tweet award: Olipop
I don’t hate Olipop, I think it’s pretty good! But… its work recalls better times rather than doing something unique on its own.
Anyway, I wonder if everyone is secretly on their own little journey, trying to settle down with another soda before the divorce with Diet Coke is official.
I think you all can help me here. I WANT TO KNOW: What sodas are you drinking right now? Are they any good? Do they suck? Comments are open!
I love Coke Zero. To me it tastes nearly identical to regular Coke, which I like even better. Never liked Diet Coke. I feel like if they had the technology to make Coke Zero in the 1970’s there would be no Diet Coke. Obviously people like Diet Coke. But if we could wipe their memory of everything after the debut of Diet Coke and do a blind taste test between Diet Coke and Coke zero, I think the later would win hands down.
It’s funny I was just thinking tonight I should switch from Diet Coke etc to those fancy 20-30 calorie options you highlighted, mainly bc you can just TASTE that Diet Coke is going to kill you. The problem is they are crazy pricy. My challenge to you--recommend an option that is really great but costs less than $2. Is there such a thing?