Demasiado Atún

My journey learning to love tuna melts, and converting others to do the same.

Long before the hit Broadway show “Oh Hello,” there was a sketch series called “Too Much Tuna.”

In it, two older men (played by comedians John Mulaney and Nick Kroll) prank people by giving them a tuna sandwich that has WAY too much tuna in it. Yep, that’s it.

Why does this sketch work? Part of it, I think, is because a tuna sandwich is objectively funny. As Kroll puts it, “You smell it and you’re like, ‘Oh, boy.’ But then you’re also like, ‘Yeah, I’ll eat it.’” It’s the sandwich of old men who miss the Great Depression. It’s a dinosaur, a relic from when Jell-O molds graced dinner tables and canned meats and fruits were exotic delights.

I own this book. It’s from 1972, and its opening recipe is how to make THANKSGIVING DINNER out of several cans of tuna.

I’ll confess something: when I saw “Too Much Tuna” when it came out 11 years ago, I’d never had a tuna sandwich. I had never even had canned tuna. But since then, I have become a tuna fanatic, and now try to convert people like my former self every opportunity I get.

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The funniest sandwiches, ranked with brief justification

1. Bologna sandwich (silly name)

2. Roast beef sandwich (innuendo)

3. Tuna sandwich (smelly)

4. Meatball sub (messy)

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In 2021, I worked at a diner over the summer. Every day, we chose between a couple meals on the menu for our discounted staff meal. One intriguing option was their tuna melt. While making my first lunch choice, my boss whispered to me, “It’s the best tuna melt I’ve ever had.” So, I ordered it.

It was four triangular slices of bread, a scoop of tuna salad and a portion of tomato on each, and melted cheese over the whole thing. At that point, I didn’t even know that tuna melts were everywhere, let alone that there were good or bad ones. But I really loved the sandwich. It was toasty, savory, the tomato added a really nice refreshing acidic flavor, and the cheese felt creamy and decadent.

A photo of the EJ’s tuna melt found on Google.

The tuna melt became my regular order. It was only a casual, vague distaste for the smell of canned fish that kept me away from this marvel of a sandwich for most of my life. But from that moment on, we were never very far apart from one another.

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The dark side of tuna

Tuna has such high levels of mercury, that the FDA recommends pregnant people avoid it. There aren’t recommendations for the rest of us, but the general rule seems to be to gravitate towards eating more “light” tuna, as it has lower levels of mercury, and to have no more than 1 can of albacore (or 3 cans of the light stuff like skipjack) per week. And bigeye has the most mercury, which I found out is the red stuff on all my damn sushi!!

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This is a tuna melt from Old John’s Diner. Once again, photo taken from Google because it’s so good I always eat the whole thing before I remember to take a picture.

After trying a tuna melt at practically every diner I visited for the past year, I started seeing more creative takes on the art.

I came across a page in a recipe magazine that claimed to share the “ULTIMATE TUNA MELT.” I started seeing “BEST EASY HIGH PROTEIN SANDWICH” recipes on TikTok that were iterations of my greasy diner friend.

This Astoria cafe had a bespoke spicy tuna sandwich with ciabatta and sprouts!

Although my relationship with tuna melts was a happy one, I found that many of my friends were in their own version of the Before Tuna Times. Meanwhile, I was learning how to make them at home, slowly perfecting my tuna salad recipe. I was making rice bowls, sandwiches, and pasta dishes with tuna as the main protein in total isolation, slowly coaxing my boyfriend into eating the meals with me.

So, in a combined effort to enjoy my favorite sandwich in the company of others, I brought friends together for Tuna Melt Night.

Tuna Melt Night. The “Ultimate Tuna Melt” recipe can be seen in the upper right hand corner.

I made four different types of tuna sandwiches, and fed them to my friends. It was the culmination of my culinary creativity and desire to convince others to share in celebration of canned tuna. Below are the recipes:

Emma’s Tuna Melt:

Tuna Salad:

• 1 can of tuna, drained

• 2 heaping tablespoons of mayo

• 1/2 cup chopped coleslaw mix (red and green cabbage, carrots)

• 1 tsp dijon mustard

• 1/4 cup chopped dill pickles

• pinch of salt and pepper to taste

Other ingredients:

• italian bread

• butter

• beefsteak tomato

• cheddar cheese slices

Mix up the tuna salad and heap it evenly onto a slice of italian bread. Then, add a thin tomato slice and a slice of cheddar cheese to the top. Butter a pan and put the open faced sandwich on there until the cheese is melted. Enjoy.

The “Ultimate” Tuna Melt

Tuna Salad:

• finely chopped red onion

• chopped celery stalk

• 1/2 cup mayo

• 1/3 cup chopped dill

• 1 tbsp capers and brine

• 1 tbsp lemon juice

• 1 1/2 cans of tuna, drained

• Salt and pepper to taste

Other ingredients:

• butter

• sourdough bread

• american cheese

• kettle potato chips

Butter one side of the bread. Put a slice of cheddar cheese onto the non buttered side. Mix up the tuna salad and heap it evenly over the cheese. Then, add second slice of sourdough to close the sandwich, butter the outer faceing side of the top bread slice. Toast in a cast iron skillet and serve with chips and pickles.

“Avocado Toast” Tuna Melt

Tuna Salad:

• Half of an avocado

• chopped red onion

• chopped tomato

• 1 tsp greek yogurt

• 1 can drained tuna

• salt + pepper to taste

• squeeze of lime juice

Other ingredients:

• butter

• white bread slices

• shredded Oaxaca cheese

• 1 egg

Soft boil the egg for 6 minutes. While that’s happening, mix up the tuna salad, mashing the avocado so you have a creamy guac + tuna mix. Sprinkle shredded cheese over a piece of bread, then spread the tuna guac over that. Lay this onto a hot buttered pan, and let it cook for 2-3 minutes, so the bottom is toasted to perfection.

Un-shell your soft boiled egg, and cut it in half on top of your sandwich, to reveal the gooey yolk. Sprinkle everything with black pepper. Enjoy.

Chipotle Tuna Melt

Tuna Salad:

• 1 can drained tuna

• 2 tbsp Valentina’s hot sauce

• 2 heaping tablespoons of mayo

• 1/2 cup of chopped fresh red bell pepper

• salt and pepper to taste

Other ingredients:

• pepperjack cheese slices

• 1 radish

• bread slices

• butter

Lay pepperjack cheese onto the slice of bread. Then, spread the tuna salad mixture onto the cheese. Thinly slice radish into circular chips, place over tuna salad. Cover with second slice of bread. Butter the outside sides of the two slices of bread, then cook in a pan for 3 minutes, until perfectly toasted. Enjoy.

Left: Avocado tuna melt. Right: Chipotle tuna melt. I invented these recipes as well, for better or worse.

I thought the night was perfectly delicious, and we went through a whole loaf of bread with no one crying for mercy. Two out of the six attendees were Nic’s cousins from Argentina, Brenda and Antonella! Neither had ever had a tuna melt, and they seemed to enjoy the sandwiches.

There’s no end to this story, more a reminder that you have free will and can explore and iterate on your favorite foods way beyond the recipe. Also, coming to enjoy new foods later in life is such a gift! Share a food you recently started enjoying in the comments, folks.

A Bilingual Podcast: Reviews of the sandwiches, and winner of the night revealed!

Sorry my Spanish is so bad! But one must practice.

My opinon on the night: I think the Ultimate was really delicious, but I dunno, my recipe is my recipe because I make it exactly how I like it. The breakfast/avocado tuna melt I think was my least favorite, and the chipotle and ultimate were both great too.

Some translations for the podcast:

00:02 - Let’s talk about cheese.

2:07 - Antonella, we’re doing a podcast for my blog. So, what was your favorite sandwich?

2:21 - I like the spicy sauce.

2:23 - And can you say who you are, for the podcast? Tell people, who you are?

(Antonella is confused because “es” isn’t really the right word, it should be “eres” but I was trying to be polite and formal.)

2:35 - I’m Antonella, I’m Nicolas’s cousin, I’m from Argentina, and I’m on vacation in New York.

3:09 - I think that the tuna melt… the Ultimate Tuna Melt I liked a lot. Even though it didn’t have the potato chips. It was… a disgrace, really. And second, Emma’s recipe, because Emma always makes it really good.

3:40 - My favorite sandwich was… OK, I have something. Between yours and the ultimate tuna recipe, they seemed really similar. What was the difference?

4:03 - Ok, the other one had…?

4:14 - Ah, yeah, that’s it.

4:18 - Yours I liked a lot because I like lettuce. And the other, I liked the “dill.”

4:33 - The first two! First yours!