On Intuitive Eating: Why I Bought A Box Of Cheez-Its
The eating practice that is not a diet but still hard
Every month, the “Headmaster” of Ella’s high school posts a blog on the school’s website called “Headmaster’s Thoughts.” The subject of the newsletter is whatever he wants, it’s basically a tumblr blog for an UWS high school principal where tuition is 60k a year.
In April, he posted a very long article about English Tea Ceremonies. It’s hilarious and joyful.
I recommend you all read it. Anyway, onto the actual post.
Somewhere along the way, I had internalized the idea that I would never bring a Nabisco snack into my home.
I love snacks, but somehow the idea of owning Oreos, Town House crackers, or Chips Ahoy and eating them in private was grotesque.
I’m eating expensive, less tasty snacks all the damn time. Fig bars, rice pudding, those cauliflower crackers that LOOK like crackers but taste like if a cracker farted. I’m hoarding those Chobani yogurt drinks. Having them in my fridge is like having a lockbox full of cash under my bed—it just makes me feel safe.
But when I pass the Keebler elf cookies at the grocery store, I always think “that’s absurd.”
Is it a class thing? Like, am I subconsciously thinking those brands are beneath a college-educated-media-industry-employed-20-something like myself?
The real answer, of course, is probably closer to something about calories. Those brands make no effort to make the consumer feel as though they’re eating something healthy. And for someone like myself raised with no overt “treats” in the house (do FiberOne bars count?), it just seemed gauche.
I cling strongly to the idea that I’m doing a good job at being healthy. But lately, I’ve fallen into the trap of ignoring my hunger cues and switching every food to the lowest calorie option. Not that it does anything for my figure, as I eat a snack every 4 hours anyway.
Intutitive Eating
Anyway, something shifted in me when I listened to an episode of “The Happiness Lab,” a podcast hosted by Yale psychology professor Dr. Laurie Santos about how to psych yourself happier using science. It was about Intuitive Eating, a practice a realized I greatly misunderstood.
My first and only exposure with it was in conversation with an acquaintance, who was complaining about Intuitive Eating as though it were a diet. We were trying to make dinner plans and she objected with a pout.
“Ugh, I’m intuitive eating, so I have to wait until I get hungry to eat, and I’m not hungry now. I’ll probably get hungry at like, 9, and I’ll be home by then.”
Ok girlie, whatever you say. At the time of that conversation, I was losing my stamina with intermittent fasting, which made me give up similar pleasures—being able to eat dinner past 8 o’clock, have drinks with friends on a Friday night, or have breakfast before noon. I was constantly in a state of wondering if I should say out loud “my diet won’t allow it",” or wondering whether I should just quit the damn thing so I could stop obsessing over how to use my 8 precious hours of eating time wisely.
Based on that acquaintance’s quote, I quietly dismissed Intuitive Eating as a nice thought, but ultimately just as impractical as any other “diet.”
In the podcast episode, Santos’ guest helped change my mind about that. She mentioned how she would avoid certain foods like the plague, because she feared her behaviors around them. For example, Oreos. If she ever brought them home, she would tear open the package, eat the whole thing and feel sick afterward. It took her a long time to feel as though she could trust her hunger cues and natural desires to tell her when to enjoy her favorite foods, and to view that information neutrally without a restriction mindset throwing her body out of whack.
The most moving part of the podcast was about how after she decided to try eating intuitively, she went to the grocery store and just bought things that looked good to her. No fear of buying the “wrong” foods, just trusting herself to make choices that felt right.
After I listened to that podcast episode, I went to the store and bought some Extra Toasty Cheez-Its. I want Extra Toasty Cheez-Its all the time. And I thought maybe having some at home would loosen up my coveting of the treat a little into something more normal.
The psychological toll of having Cheez-Its in your house
I did, like the guest on the Happiness Lab, feel the need to eat the whole box of Cheez-Its. But I resisted, allowing myself a small bowl of them, and eating them one at a time.
When I finished eating my snack, I was stressed out that the rest of the box was still sitting on top of my fridge. For all the time it was there, I had to avoid meeting its gaze, lest I behave unbecomingly.
I made myself a hot chocolate with espresso, and watched Nic wander into the room and take a fistful of Cheez-Its. I didn’t say anything, but experienced a combination of relief and jealousy.
Then Nic accidentally knocked the box off the fridge, spilling orange crackers all over the floor. I watched him sweep them up, vocally dumping the box’s origin story from store to our apartment at a fever-pitch. There were about 3/4 of a cup of Cheez-It’s left, and I ate them the next day.
It was weird eating Cheez-Its at home. Just to feel the pleasure of a perfectly salty, tangy snack, not accompanied by a packed lunch (with a perfectly portioned 100-calorie Cheez-It snack pack), nutrition, or a celebration of some kind. It was weird allowing myself to let go of guilt, knowing that there was nothing to be guilty about. It was weird feeding the monkey inside me who wants the crunchy orange cheese crisp. Normally, it feels like I’m waiting for the researcher to give me the treat, because I did a good job at my tasks. But now I’m an adult monkey, and can buy a whole box for myself. It felt like an act of primitive trust and self-love.
I thought a lot about what Intuitive Eating meant to me after that, because I had to confront the discomfort of knowing that food restriction is a (very socially supported) arbitrary decision. Unfortunately, I think that eating intuitively is probably the best course of action for myself going forward. Confronting fear and pain and holding oneself in discomfort/forgiveness is hard, but its usually the right thing to do.
Even though eating the Cheez-Its at home makes me feel like I’m playing God, I can’t go back to being the monkey.